Where Did My Energy & Confidence Go?

Not to sound arrogant, but I was once a confident, intelligent, athletic, and outgoing young lady.

Where has she gone? I miss her.

I was exceptional in math—not brilliant like Katherine Johnson—but I loved it, and I was good at it. I remember a math contest where the teacher marked two of my answers wrong… and they turned out to be correct.

I was the second fastest girl in my grade, and I absolutely loved to run. I felt I ran best barefoot—I could push off with my toes, and that helped me go faster.

I loved writing. I loved learning. I loved being outdoors. I could go on.

After attending Montessori school for a year, I experienced the kind of environment I thrive in.

And yet… I’ve been wondering where that exceptionalness went. Where did my energy go—and how do I get it back?

The truth is, I know where it went.

grew up in “white space,” often being the only Black person in the room.

Energy, Environment & Awareness

My journey to reclaim my energy—while recovering from job burnout—has been long. I’ve come to realize that many of the environments I’ve been in have held me back, drained me, and slowly chipped away at my confidence.

I don’t like blaming others, but I’ve learned that until I acknowledge the truth, I can’t move forward.

Today, I’m seeing the bigger picture.

From the stigma of enjoying watermelon…

To being excluded from swimming pools…

To limited access to nature and National Parks…

These are not random. These are all things that regulate stress—and for generations, access to them was restricted or stigmatized–for Black folks.

For a long time, I believed the narrative that our stress-related health issues were genetic. Now, I see something different.

I see stigma. I see stress. I see conditioning. I see manipulation & brainwashing.

The Weight of Stigma

The stigma of being Black and enjoying fruits and vegetables.

The stigma of loving the outdoors.

The stigma of meditating.

The stigma of joy (laughter).

Even resting carries a stigma.

But all of these things regulate stress—and they also build confidence.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

Confidence isn’t just mental—it’s physical.

It comes from:

• What I eat

• How I move

• How I rest

• Whether I allow myself joy

• Whether I feel safe being fully myself

For years, I looked at these things separately. Now I see—they work together.

And I also see how much of myself I’ve felt the need to hide:

My love of nature.

My curiosity.

My need for rest.My laughter.

My joy of moving my body & being comfortable in my own skin.

My enjoyment of fresh, nourishing food.

That hiding… has been exhausting.

Watermelon & the Weaponization of Food

There is no cultural or biological dislike of fruits and vegetables among Black people. In fact, many African and diasporic diets are rooted in plant-based foods.

The hesitation isn’t about taste—it’s about stigma.

Watermelon is a perfect example.

After Emancipation, many Black Americans grew and sold watermelon as a means of independence. It symbolized freedom. That independence was then attacked through propaganda—caricatures that portrayed Black people as lazy or uncivilized.

Over time, something powerful happened:

A simple act—eating fruit—became loaded with anxiety.

Respectability & “Public Performance”

This extends beyond watermelon.

For generations, there has been pressure to appear “perfect” in public as a way to avoid judgment.

Even something as simple as eating “messy” foods—corn, oranges, ribs—can feel like a risk. Food, once nourishment, became performance.

Now, there is a movement to reclaim it—to reconnect with food as heritage, health, and power.

Joy, Laughter & Control

There were times in history when even laughter was policed.

Whether through laws or social enforcement, Black joy was often treated as a threat. The message was clear: Be quiet. Be controlled. Be invisible.

That history doesn’t disappear—it lives in the nervous system. And it impacts confidence.

Today, choosing joy—laughing freely, resting openly—is more than self-care.

It’s reclamation.

Nature & Belonging

The outdoors has not always been a safe or welcoming space. From segregated parks to dangerous travel conditions, access to nature was limited—and sometimes life-threatening.

That history created a lasting message: “You don’t belong out there.”

But the truth is—we do.

And reconnecting with nature is more than leisure—it’s healing.

Intentional Systems

For me, understanding whether this was intentional matters. Because if it was intentional, then it’s not a personal failure. It’s manipulation. And awareness allows me to push back.

Historically, access to “regulating tools”—rest, nutrition, nature, literacy—was restricted.

Why?

Because rested, nourished, and reflective people are harder to control.

Today, those systems still exist—not always as laws, but as patterns.

Letting It Go & Reclaiming Myself

What I’m experiencing isn’t a loss of ability. It’s the weight of years of navigating spaces not built for me.

Reclaiming myself looks like this:

• Eating nourishing foods without shame

• Resting without guilt

• Returning to nature without hesitation

• Allowing joy without restriction

That young girl didn’t disappear.

She adapted.

Now, I’m unburdening her.

The Truth About Stress

What has often been labeled as “genetic” is frequently the result of prolonged stress.

Chronic exposure to stress hormones impacts the body deeply.

And when the very tools that reduce stress are stigmatized or removed, the cycle continues.

Reclaiming My Tools

Rest is not laziness—it’s restoration.

Nature is not foreign—it’s home.

Healthy food is not stereotype—it’s fuel & medicine.

Joy is not frivolous—it’s necessary.

Each of these supports confidence—not just emotionally, but physically.

The “Only One in the Room” Experience

Being the “only one” often means being hyper-aware.

Monitoring tone, appearance, and behavior.

That constant awareness drains energy.

What I thought was a loss of confidence… was actually survival.

“Stony the Road”

The phrase “Stony the Road” speaks to resilience. Walking a difficult path requires focus—but it also takes energy.

And when all your energy goes into navigating obstacles, there’s little left for creativity, curiosity, or joy.

Now that I see the road for what it is…

I can stop clearing stones—and start moving forward.

Going Forward

For me, seeing the full picture matters.

Not just unlearning what I absorbed in “white spaces,” but also recognizing how those ideas were repeated—even within my own community.

Being told I was “acting white” for reading, loving nature, or eating well left its mark. Now, I’m choosing differently.

Much of what I’ve explored here came through research and reflection.

And now—I’m ready to apply it.

To see what changes.

To see what returns.

To see who I become when I finally allow myself to be… fully me.

Joining groups like Outdoor Afro, Black Girls Trekkin’, and Peace in the Wild who are working to undo the trauma of the National Parks history – is a great place to start.